These dreams…

There’s this repetitive dream I have every now and then that scares me.
I usually don’t have repetitive dreams, and my dreams are normally just quirky, weird and just plain old amusing events.
However every now and then this dream comes back to haunt me.
It starts off different each time, but always ends the same. It always ends with me placing a gun in my mouth and squeezing the trigger. Like a well rehearsed scene I always wake up just after I hear the BAM of the gun.

I can never just get back to sleep after a dream like this, my mind jumps into overdrive… why did I just try to kill myself? Surely this dream means something?

It horrifies me to think that I always come so calmly to the solution that a bullet to the brain is the answer to the stressor in my dream… actually I think it scares me more that I can never remember the stressor, I only ever remember the result.

Why does my brain resort to such a violent response when I’m not normally a violent person? Why do I feel that I’ve reached such a level of despair that the only foreseeable answer is suicide? Am I subconsciously violent? Am I subconsciously so depressed that I’m boarding on suicide? Is it even possible to be subconsciously depressed? As for suicidal? Surely not… I’ve been there before I know what it’s like and I’m fairly certain I’m stronger having been through it to never feel the need to go back there… after all I’m not a troubled teen any more… I’m a relatively successful adult (I can’t say I’m a complete success there’s still aspects of life I’m without… you know like anything resembling a meaningful relationship, or a social life).

The only possible conclusion that I can come up with to explain this reoccurring dream is that it only seems to resurface whenever I’m feeling stressed or worried. I wish I knew why my mind was so violently opposed to stress. It scares me mostly because even though I feel it’s responding to stress, I don’t really have any major stress occurring in my life right now… nothing is threatening my way of life or my health.

I don’t even know if there is a solution to this repetitive nightmare but for now I’ve changed my pillow.

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