Oh how depressing…

“Oh how depressing!”

That little voice in my head would be rich this holiday break if it got a $ for every time it said those same words… “Oh how depressing!”

Let’s recap shall we? As a brilliant educator of high school children I of course enjoy some perks… one of them being the two weeks of term holidays that appear once in a while and let’s not forget the all important summer break of 6 weeks! Ah yes my life is grand! Now you’re thinking “How can anything be depressing when you get that much time off?” So allow me to share with you my 2 week break that is drawing to a close as of tomorrow!

Now, the weekend that kick started this whole break went as all my other ones do with Saturday devoted to hitting a little white ball around a park and Sunday devoted to convincing mum about how much fun we’re going to have with me home for 2 weeks (save your “living at home with your parent’s” jokes I’ve heard them all and told them too).

Monday – Mother and I decided a visit to the Royal Melbourne Show was in order. What started out as a lot of fun exploring the pavilions and displays soon turned to frustration when I realised that I was not handling the crowd conditions… isn’t that a sign of becoming old before your time? I had become a grumpy old woman and it was only day one! And in a reputed place of fun! “Oh how depressing….

Tuesday – Woke up and discovered that I had the cold to end all colds. Spent the day curled up on the couch clutching my iPad like a life support vest and praying for someone to hurry up and make a move in Words with Friends… Sick on my holidays!!! “Oh how depressing!

Wednesday – If I thought Tuesday was bad… well Wednesday wanted to win in the sucky stakes… not only was I sick, but I was going to miss out on a game of golf and socialising… not only that… but mother had decided that today would be a good day for housework. I shuffled around the house dropping tissues every where and then complaining that someone was making a mess, surely not me as I was the only one cleaning (I have no idea why my mother rolled her eyes at me when I made that statement). In the late afternoon I decided I may as well try the xbox for some time wasting fun… I lasted perhaps 20 minutes before the screen flicked off and the xbox flashed the red ring of death… “Oh how depressing!” Yes my darling readers… it was about that time that the heavens cracked open (almost literally by the sounds that rocked out of the clouds) and I got to enjoy a free light and sound show instead of killing zombies or whatever it was I was attempting to do before I saw red…

Thursday + Friday  – Another day spent dragging my feet around the house… by this stage the only thing I could lay claim to in regards of achievement was that I had finally managed to infect someone else with the monster cold… So now my mother and I could play day of the living dead all by our very selves as we shuffled and moaned our way around the house… “How depressing!

I’m fairly sure I did something on Friday… I just don’t know what… obviously it was so exciting that it’s left my mind blank with amazement… “Oh how depressing!

Saturday + Sunday – Ah the Grand Final! Got my hair cut before the game and then I had the pleasure of watching the game with my family (yes it was the only option as I had no others). “Oh how depressing!

Sunday was the day I managed to get rid of my cold entirely… I’d actually hand-balled it to dear old dad… My popularity was growing… “Oh how depressing!

Monday – Mother and I went shopping to our favourite shopping centre (other side of Melbourne)… when we got there I “got the spot” the ideal dream parking spot. Could things be looking up? Thing were going fine until I went to try on clothing and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror… “Ugh how depressing!” Couldn’t decide what was worse, my ongoing weight issues or my ongoing ugly issues… “Oh how depressing!” Lost my nerve after that didn’t try anything on and as a result didn’t buy anything… “Oh how depressing!” Mum thought she had done something to upset me and as usual I’m so tight lipped on discussions that involve me that I got frustrated that I couldn’t put into words why I wasn’t happy and also didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to ruin her day with my drama… “Ugh how depressing!

Tuesday – It took until the second Tuesday of my break to get me smiling… “Oh how depressing!“… Oh shush little voice! I finally got on the golf course with a friend from work followed with lunch out after it… *gasp* Finally I’m a real person for a change instead of a shade hiding in the house.

Wednesday, Thursday + Friday – The excitement of Tuesday tipped me over the edge and  I slipped back into my usual blue funk (starting to become a holiday trend which scares me more). Woke the xbox up again (it didn’t die after all yay!) and spent good parts of each day battling various digital demons to avoid the ones in my head. “Oh how depressing!

Had a small respite on Friday being able to visit my favourite Evil friend M, sadly the blue funk followed me and I wasn’t my usual charming self… spent most of it just lying on the couch babbling about stuff and not feeling I was making sense or 100% there… my apologies M.

Saturday – Skipped golf today due to the threat of rain… which never eventuated… “Ugh how depressing!” Devoted the day to exploring the Wastelands in Fallout 3 on my xbox… my brother asked me if I had, had a break… that’s when I realised I’d played for about 4 hours straight stopping for dinner and then playing again for 3 hours…. what a waste of a day… “Oh how depressing!” I think I’ve killed my eye sight… “Oh how depressing!” and I’ll no doubt have nightmares tonight about Super Mutants trying to kill me… “Ugh how depressing!

Had a last minute invite to visit M for a family birthday and the promise of cake… I declined because I knew I wasn’t feeling up to it… yeah… “how depressing!

So what conclusions about me have I come to now that it’s Sunday? Let’s tick them off:

– I’ve become so reclusive that I have no social circle (aside from M and my work friends… who I wholeheartedly love but it can’t be healthy only having friends from one aspect in life can it?). I have no idea how I became this reclusive.

– I’m my own worse enemy, I seek affirmations from others because I’m incapable of giving them to myself, and even then I can’t help but question why someone is being positive towards me.

– I’m losing resilience with each quiet holiday break

– I’m best when I’m so busy that I don’t have time to stop and focus on my personal demons… but is that healthy? Shouldn’t I be able to have down time without worrying about being caught unaware?

– At some point in life I let myself fall behind, everyone my age is now living with someone (not their parents), married or having kids or travelling the world… and now I feel like I’m running so far behind the rest of the field that I may as well either give up or just run off the track and go find something entirely different to do.

Yeah I know what you’re thinking after reading this blog post…

Oh how depressing!

🙂

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