Cinema pests are you one?

Okay I love going to the movies. There’s something wonderful about finding the right seat (not too close, not too far away, preferably in the middle somewhere). It’s even better when the seats are just right too, not too close to the one in front, not too high above the one in front (I don’t need to see the next person’s lap), preferably alternating so that you’re peering between the two seats in front… oh and nice and high backed so you can really hunker down in your spot and feel like it’s just you and the film in the space.

Once you’ve found a cinema that meets your viewing comfort needs it should be fail proof in your hopes of the film experience being awesome… however there are variables that are often there to ensure that smooth sailing is just a dream. Those variables come in the form of other people that decide to go to the movie as well. I’ll admit it right now that I’m a movie going snob. When I go to the movies I don’t want to sit with strangers, I don’t want to listen to their children and I really don’t need to wait for my chair to be grabbed from behind yet again as lady with tiny bladder makes her 5th dash to the dunny. In fact often I’m so snobbish that I don’t even want to converse with the people I agreed to go to the movie with in the first place. I don’t know where this comes from but as soon as the lights dim I don’t want to interact with anyone but the screen, however sometimes I can’t help but come across the cinema pests…

Here’s a guide to working out if you’re one of those cinema pests…

You glow

Yeah you know you do… So what if your phone is on silent and you’re not making any calls… you’re still glowing like a beacon 3 aisles away and I can still see you! This isn’t a rock concert, this isn’t the slow number where you get your lighter/phone out and wave it back forth. Stop fidgeting, I’d rather you go outside to finish your facebook status telling everyone that you’re at the movies instead of lighting up my peripheral vision.


You can’t keep your body to yourself

Don’t touch the back of my chair. I don’t care if you’re too tall that your knees, feet, elbows, neanderthal knuckles etc reach all the way to my chair back… just don’t touch the back of my chair. When I’m too tall I find an aisle seat to stretch out, do that instead of sitting in the middle behind me and then start jiggling into the back of my seat because you really need to visit the bathroom but don’t want to miss the next scene. Also keep your hands to yourself, I like action movies but  don’t want to be catapulted into the action when you pull my seat back in order to get out of yours. If you’re this person, don’t ever sit behind me on a plane.

You crinkle, crackle and crunch

Okay I like to eat in the cinema too, movies are for popcorn, a drink, some sweets, and ice-cream. You can eat any of those things go for it. BUT you have between 3 and 6 commercials to open all those packages and to distribute any thing that needs distributing before the trailers kick on. I don’t want you behind me rustling for 10 minutes as you battle it out with the packet of lollies not realising that it’s a tear open bag not a pull apart bag.


You smell

Popcorn should be the only food I smell in the cinema. Don’t smuggle in your lunch I don’t need to smell your pizza. Don’t bring in energy drinks and then sit next to me with the can between us wafting those chemicals at me. Also this isn’t your lounge room don’t kick off your shoes behind me and stick your stinky toes between my chair and the seat beside me. If you want to be barefooted then wear thongs to the cinema to begin with.

You don’t know what a babysitter looks like

You’ve been waiting for them to make a movie about your childhood favourite superhero/comic/TV show/book and you loved it when you were a kid so surely your kid’s going to love it too. No. It doesn’t work that way. If your child is constantly talking and wanting to run around then surely neither of us are going to enjoy the movie. Don’t sit there stubbornly wanting to relive your childhood memories whilst your brat is bouncing up and down in the seat and then staring back at me in the creepy way that only children seem to be able to do in the dark.

You don’t get it

You’re sitting beside someone yet you’re loudly whispering “Who’s that guy?, didn’t he die?, what’s happening now? Do you think she’ll die next? Isn’t he the bad guy? what are they doing?” Just stop it. If you keep watching you’ll get the answers. If you’re too dense to follow the story then at least wait until the end to discuss the film with your friend/lover/child. If you can’t wait then sit to the side of the cinema away from me.


…and last but not least…

You’re shameful

There’s not many of these people but if you’re one of these people then you shouldn’t be allowed in a cinema full stop, no ifs or buts about it. You’re shameful if you leave rubbish everywhere as you get up to leave. If you drank those soda cans, ate the popcorn that didn’t end up all over your seat and the empty one beside you and chewed on all the lollies that were in those wrappers… then pick it up. How did you sit in that filth for 2 hours to begin with? Take your trash with you and put it in the giant bins that are there on your way out. If it was your kid who made the mess then be the responsible adult and tell them to pick it up or they’ll never get to see another Disney movie as long as they live.

So if you’re not a pest, what other pesky things have you noticed people do in the movies? Share below in the comments!


One Response to “Cinema pests are you one?”

  1. LoveandFlats Says:

    We have groups of people that come into our theater just to make fun of the movie the whole time. It’s so irritating.

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