Demons and don’t knows…

Every now and then I allow that voice in my head to convince me that no one really cares. This voice has become more cunning with age, it waits until the right moment and then pounces with a veracity that leaves me gasping for connection only to find nothing but thin air.

It’s easy to be convinced that no one really cares or wants to connect with you in a way that is more than the “Hi, how’s your day? Good thanks, see ya.” In a busy world where we race from obligation to obligation and the connections with others are fleeting, you only need to be feeling slightly down and then the voice slides beside you as cool as a spring breeze… “did you notice that she wasn’t really listening? I told you she’s not interested in your friendship”.

A sensible person would recognise the reality of the other person being busy too, but when you’re already struggling and that little demon of a voice gives you a nudge its very easy to accept the notion that you’re really just as worthless as you’re being led to believe.

I live alone, but I’m not a lonely person. I find coming home a chance to escape into solitude, to rest and to restore energy lost during the day. I’ve never felt lonely living alone. It isn’t until I’m in a large crowd that I really recognise my loneliness.

The truth of the matter is that I appear to be missing some piece inside that allows me to recognise which people see me as a friend, and which people see me as someone they tolerate in their space. As simple as I try to keep my life, I’m aware that others around me are complex creatures, which only furthers my confusion between “friend”, “acquaintance” and “I’m tolerating you with a smile but begone soon please”.

It’s not as simple as asking others either, as people might simply say “of course you’re my friend/someone I care about” which allows the devilish voice to question “are they simply saying that to make you feel better, regardless of truth?”

Most of the time I squash this voice with a confidence born from affection for others. Sometimes though, the voice gathers strength from a variety of hints dropped unassumingly by others that leaves me questioning whether it’s worth getting out of bed, let alone going back into the fray.

So far though I’m still winning this battle and as long as there is ambiguity in the world I will continue to believe the best even when the voice tries to convince me otherwise.

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