Archive for the Life Category

Demons and don’t knows…

Posted in Life on September 20, 2016 by L.J

Every now and then I allow that voice in my head to convince me that no one really cares. This voice has become more cunning with age, it waits until the right moment and then pounces with a veracity that leaves me gasping for connection only to find nothing but thin air.

It’s easy to be convinced that no one really cares or wants to connect with you in a way that is more than the “Hi, how’s your day? Good thanks, see ya.” In a busy world where we race from obligation to obligation and the connections with others are fleeting, you only need to be feeling slightly down and then the voice slides beside you as cool as a spring breeze… “did you notice that she wasn’t really listening? I told you she’s not interested in your friendship”.

A sensible person would recognise the reality of the other person being busy too, but when you’re already struggling and that little demon of a voice gives you a nudge its very easy to accept the notion that you’re really just as worthless as you’re being led to believe.

I live alone, but I’m not a lonely person. I find coming home a chance to escape into solitude, to rest and to restore energy lost during the day. I’ve never felt lonely living alone. It isn’t until I’m in a large crowd that I really recognise my loneliness.

The truth of the matter is that I appear to be missing some piece inside that allows me to recognise which people see me as a friend, and which people see me as someone they tolerate in their space. As simple as I try to keep my life, I’m aware that others around me are complex creatures, which only furthers my confusion between “friend”, “acquaintance” and “I’m tolerating you with a smile but begone soon please”.

It’s not as simple as asking others either, as people might simply say “of course you’re my friend/someone I care about” which allows the devilish voice to question “are they simply saying that to make you feel better, regardless of truth?”

Most of the time I squash this voice with a confidence born from affection for others. Sometimes though, the voice gathers strength from a variety of hints dropped unassumingly by others that leaves me questioning whether it’s worth getting out of bed, let alone going back into the fray.

So far though I’m still winning this battle and as long as there is ambiguity in the world I will continue to believe the best even when the voice tries to convince me otherwise.

Mindfulness and Gratitude…

Posted in Life, Technology on March 29, 2016 by L.J

At the start of the new teaching year we heard from a guest speaker who highlighted the importance of two elements that are often missing in today’s busy world. Mindfulness and gratitude. There’s a groundswell of spreading this idea at the moment, which is really an old idea that has been lost somewhere along the way with technological advancements in the developed world that distract us from ourselves. I found the talk fascinating as I sat there considering the severe differences between the world of the “haves” versus the world of the “have nots”.

There was a connection made… a line of correlation that suggested that those of us humans with the more things, might also be more unhappy in life than those with the least things. It made me think about all the things that I have and my reason for having them to begin with. At some point we reflected on what we were grateful for in the day. In fact we were encouraged to write 3 things that we were grateful for each day, and to try this for at least one month. The benefits to mental health were highlighted and it seemed like a thing to do.

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I started my gratitude diary… it lasted 2 weeks. Now I know what you’re thinking “she can’t keep at anything, this randomly updated blog is a great example of that”. There was however another reason why I didn’t keep it up and yes the argument could be made that I’m simply providing an excuse or a justification for my own bad behaviour but hear me out. I started off by taking it seriously, after all those mental health benefits sounded fabulous and who doesn’t want to feel better about themselves in a world that encourages us not to be so we can buy some product that will help us with our poor self? So I wrote down gratitude after gratitude, things such as:

“I’m grateful to be surrounded by people who support me even when they don’t understand.”

“I’m grateful that I have time to read for pleasure.”

“I’m grateful for their smile, which tells me that they’re listening to what I have to say.”

These are all things that are important to me, but something dawned on me as I got to writing entry number 16… I already do this… everyday I reflect and think of the little things that made my day great, or that saved my day from disaster. Sometimes it was the action of another, sometimes it was a decision I came to by myself and sometimes it was just by chance. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not ticking off the things that make me grateful that I’m here regardless of my circumstance at any given time. Do I really have to write down what I’m already doing?

As for mindfulness? I learnt a long time ago the power of being in the moment. It is something that I think people are allowing themselves to be robbed of. The desperation people have to “save the moment” by taking a photo rather than “savouring the moment” is so prevalent in our society that it makes me sad. I have a phone that takes photos like everyone else does and I take hundreds of photos with it, but when it’s a special moment I can’t cope with the idea of trying to fish my phone out, press the app I need and then looking up to see what I’ve missed…

This photo says it all for me… there is one person truly in the moment… and I hope I’ll always be able to savour the moment like this lady and not be on the periphery of life’s moments grasping my technology like the lost link to civilisation.

Black Mass Premier At Coolidge Corner

BROOKLINE, MA – SEPTEMBER 15: Crowd cheers as actors arrive at the premier of the movie Black Mass at the Coolidge Corner Theater in Brookline, Mass. Sept. 15, 2015. (Photo by John Blanding/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

Happy New Year…

Posted in Life on January 4, 2016 by L.J

The NYE celebrations are always something to look forward to. For me it is the one holiday that truly signals hope and a chance for adventure or change. This year however I found myself without any plans to see the new year in and it got me down. I had family over for dinner but it wasn’t long before they had left leaving me with an evening to myself. You’re probably thinking ‘why didn’t the family stay?’ it’s nothing dramatic they just don’t really do the whole NYE celebration thing. So I spent the night alternating from watching TV and taking leisurely dips in the pool to cool off from the warm summer night. At the stroke of midnight I was floating in the pool watching the stars peek between the clouds that appeared to be glowing from nearby fireworks some legal, most illegal. Instead of feeling alone at that moment and sorry for myself I found myself thinking of all the NYE celebrations that have gone before me and how lucky I’ve been to enjoy in the creation of some fairly great memories.

I remembered going to Italy with good friends from work and arriving in Milan on New Year’s Eve with Pam and her mum. We wandered the city before returning to our hotel room only to crash and sleep straight through the celebrations to awake groggy and jet lagged into the new year’s morning. We spent our first day of 2011 wandering the streets of a very sleepy Como. The day felt like a dream as we watched the locals slowly emerge from homes to open shop fronts and cafes. We took the ferry around the lake, it was bitterly cold as the winter sun seemed to be just as sleepy as the locals. The views were like something out of a story book as we drifted from one side of the lake to the other watching locals and tourists hop on and off the ferry.

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When we returned to the town it had come alive and market stalls had popped up with friendly banter filtering through the air. We had pasta for lunch as we soaked up the sunshine that had won the battle with the high clouds. I remember sitting there with my pasta and my friends just people watching and thinking how lucky I am to be starting the year like this!

It wasn’t long before I was overseas again for a New Year’s Eve and it would again be with Pam that I would be traveling with. We laughed and joked about surely not falling asleep again for another NYE as we traveled with our little Intrepid group through Thailand. We arrived in Sangkhlaburi in the afternoon and discovered our guest house would be on the shore of the beautiful Khao Laem Lake. We had dinner at the neighbouring accommodation and it was evident that we were one of the few tourists in the area with mainly locals setting up tents on the grassy banks by the lake and eating along the large stone balcony that we all shared. We soon got chatting with our little group as we watched the sun set in the distant hills behind the lake.

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As the night rolled on our guide presented us with a paper lantern and we signed our names and wishes for 2014 onto the paper. We wandered down to the shore of the lake and stood on the little jetty watching little glowing lanterns from around the lake rise up into the heavens. We lit our own lantern and held onto it hoping that we knew what we were doing, the locals smiled at our enthusiasm as we excitedly released our lantern. We watched it rise only to list to a side before sailing on down into the lake a few feet out of reach of rescue. The local children giggled at the sound of our dismay and our own amusement and it wasn’t long before we were given another lantern to try again. Maybe our wishes were too heavy for the first one, but the second one soon left us to sail onward and upwards.

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We cheered before returning to the balcony and our beers. When the new year rang in fireworks exploded along the lake as more lanterns took off on their leisurely updrafts to the stars.  The owner of the restaurant came to our table to wish us a happy new year and told us to help ourselves to drinks in the fridge as he went off to be with family. It was such a relaxing way to move into a new year and again I found myself smiling at the thought that I was starting another year with a new adventure.

Between the years of travel there have been many NYE celebrations spent at Kerrie and Rob’s place with my best friend Mel. I remember my first NYE with Kerrie and Rob and being nervous about intruding on their celebrations after accepting an offer from Mel to join her and her family for the night. My nerves were banished as soon as I arrived with Kerrie’s wonderful warmth as she welcomed me to her home. We all sat outside with cold drinks to combat the warm summer night and played with glow sticks, party poppers and sparklers.

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We ate party food and cake and had the music blaring but it wasn’t as loud as the laughs we were having. I’ve always enjoyed a NYE celebration with Kerrie and Rob and more importantly my best friends Mel and Adam. We can get a laugh by just looking at each other in that knowing way and it’s with all of that happening that I know that the new year coming is always going to have goodness in it.

So even though I spent this NYE alone when the clock struck twelve I had the memories of past great NYE celebrations to keep me afloat for 2016.

Gender disparity in sport…

Posted in Gender, Life, News, Sport with tags , , , , , , on November 30, 2014 by L.J

With all the advancements that women have made in the world, there is still a ways to go when it comes to women in sport and how women in sport are viewed. Professional sport is recognised in a variety of ways in the contemporary world whether it be by monetary value, advertising power or media presence. In all three of these elements women rarely if ever out rank their male counterparts, yet no clear reason is evident for this. The only place where women out rank men is on their individual sporting success.

Abby Wambach

Abby Wambach – 6 time winner of the U.S Soccer Athlete of the year award.

The sporting world is littered with examples of where select women’s teams (English Cricket team, Aussie and Dutch hockey teams) or individuals (Golfer Annika Sorenstam, Tennis champ Venus Williams) are ahead of their male counterparts when it comes to success. Yet they rarely become the household names that their male equivalents do, and even if they do you’re not going to find big posters for kids to put on their bedroom walls. Which begs the question, is there shame in being a female sporting hero? Where are the posters for young men and women to put up of their favourite players who just happen to be female? Why must we persist with posters of Michael Jordan or football players as the dominant options? 365544-hockeyroos-win-in-delhi There is a circular argument that exists, where women’s sport would be more televised/reported on and have more prize money/sponsorship IF they had more people interested in them in the first place, and the only way they can have that is if they’re being televised/reported on… This is a cruel concept on many levels because it makes it incredibly hard for women to break out of the circular rhetoric that surrounds women’s sport. It makes it harder for women to dispel/confront or alter the myths surrounding womens sport (they might get hurt easier, they turn into men, something happens to their sexuality). It makes it harder for young women who are talented to determine their career paths and it makes it harder for some to support their families/self if they do choose to be a professional sportswoman.

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When scouring the Internet for articles on this topic it’s not hard to find the comments from Joe Blog demonising women in sport sometimes being overtly sexist, but often displaying sexist thoughts without being consciously aware of such. The overwhelming suggestion from men regarding how women could lift their profile in sport, was to “sexy it up” or that “Bikinis could save most female professional sports leagues”. This speaks volumes about the understanding of how hard sports people work (regardless of gender) and how far society has to come before we can accept the fact that a beach volleyball outfit is not the answer for the success of women’s sport in general. The argument that sex sells demeans the sport in question implying that without the “sex” element the sport wouldn’t be worth playing or watching at all. sex-sells-main Women in sport have been further compounded recently in Australia by our Minister for Women (PM Tony Abbott), thanks to the budget cuts to SBS and the ABC. As a result one of the first things to go is the televising of women’s sport. This is a frustrating and outrageous thing to have happen. Women in sport already get the bottom of the barrel when it comes to print media… women appear in the sport section not only after the men, but after the horses as well. 0 As a Phys Ed Teacher, the loss of televised women’s sport makes a bigger impact on my classroom than what was already happening because it decreases my chances of providing my students with great examples of women in sport. It allows some of my students to reinforce in their heads that women don’t belong in professional sport and it also makes it harder for my female students to identify and connect with sportswomen that they would like to emulate in their future. Ennis_2314669b Sport is suppose to be the great equaliser, the coming together of like minded combatants who desire nothing more than to overcome their previous attempts. We as a society allow these events to be altered by money, media coverage and the advertising world’s distorted views on what success is suppose to look like.

 

Cinema pests are you one?

Posted in Films, Life, Pop Culture, Uncategorized with tags , , on October 1, 2014 by L.J

Okay I love going to the movies. There’s something wonderful about finding the right seat (not too close, not too far away, preferably in the middle somewhere). It’s even better when the seats are just right too, not too close to the one in front, not too high above the one in front (I don’t need to see the next person’s lap), preferably alternating so that you’re peering between the two seats in front… oh and nice and high backed so you can really hunker down in your spot and feel like it’s just you and the film in the space.

Once you’ve found a cinema that meets your viewing comfort needs it should be fail proof in your hopes of the film experience being awesome… however there are variables that are often there to ensure that smooth sailing is just a dream. Those variables come in the form of other people that decide to go to the movie as well. I’ll admit it right now that I’m a movie going snob. When I go to the movies I don’t want to sit with strangers, I don’t want to listen to their children and I really don’t need to wait for my chair to be grabbed from behind yet again as lady with tiny bladder makes her 5th dash to the dunny. In fact often I’m so snobbish that I don’t even want to converse with the people I agreed to go to the movie with in the first place. I don’t know where this comes from but as soon as the lights dim I don’t want to interact with anyone but the screen, however sometimes I can’t help but come across the cinema pests…

Here’s a guide to working out if you’re one of those cinema pests…

You glow

Yeah you know you do… So what if your phone is on silent and you’re not making any calls… you’re still glowing like a beacon 3 aisles away and I can still see you! This isn’t a rock concert, this isn’t the slow number where you get your lighter/phone out and wave it back forth. Stop fidgeting, I’d rather you go outside to finish your facebook status telling everyone that you’re at the movies instead of lighting up my peripheral vision.

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You can’t keep your body to yourself

Don’t touch the back of my chair. I don’t care if you’re too tall that your knees, feet, elbows, neanderthal knuckles etc reach all the way to my chair back… just don’t touch the back of my chair. When I’m too tall I find an aisle seat to stretch out, do that instead of sitting in the middle behind me and then start jiggling into the back of my seat because you really need to visit the bathroom but don’t want to miss the next scene. Also keep your hands to yourself, I like action movies but  don’t want to be catapulted into the action when you pull my seat back in order to get out of yours. If you’re this person, don’t ever sit behind me on a plane.

You crinkle, crackle and crunch

Okay I like to eat in the cinema too, movies are for popcorn, a drink, some sweets, and ice-cream. You can eat any of those things go for it. BUT you have between 3 and 6 commercials to open all those packages and to distribute any thing that needs distributing before the trailers kick on. I don’t want you behind me rustling for 10 minutes as you battle it out with the packet of lollies not realising that it’s a tear open bag not a pull apart bag.

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You smell

Popcorn should be the only food I smell in the cinema. Don’t smuggle in your lunch I don’t need to smell your pizza. Don’t bring in energy drinks and then sit next to me with the can between us wafting those chemicals at me. Also this isn’t your lounge room don’t kick off your shoes behind me and stick your stinky toes between my chair and the seat beside me. If you want to be barefooted then wear thongs to the cinema to begin with.

You don’t know what a babysitter looks like

You’ve been waiting for them to make a movie about your childhood favourite superhero/comic/TV show/book and you loved it when you were a kid so surely your kid’s going to love it too. No. It doesn’t work that way. If your child is constantly talking and wanting to run around then surely neither of us are going to enjoy the movie. Don’t sit there stubbornly wanting to relive your childhood memories whilst your brat is bouncing up and down in the seat and then staring back at me in the creepy way that only children seem to be able to do in the dark.

You don’t get it

You’re sitting beside someone yet you’re loudly whispering “Who’s that guy?, didn’t he die?, what’s happening now? Do you think she’ll die next? Isn’t he the bad guy? what are they doing?” Just stop it. If you keep watching you’ll get the answers. If you’re too dense to follow the story then at least wait until the end to discuss the film with your friend/lover/child. If you can’t wait then sit to the side of the cinema away from me.

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…and last but not least…

You’re shameful

There’s not many of these people but if you’re one of these people then you shouldn’t be allowed in a cinema full stop, no ifs or buts about it. You’re shameful if you leave rubbish everywhere as you get up to leave. If you drank those soda cans, ate the popcorn that didn’t end up all over your seat and the empty one beside you and chewed on all the lollies that were in those wrappers… then pick it up. How did you sit in that filth for 2 hours to begin with? Take your trash with you and put it in the giant bins that are there on your way out. If it was your kid who made the mess then be the responsible adult and tell them to pick it up or they’ll never get to see another Disney movie as long as they live.

So if you’re not a pest, what other pesky things have you noticed people do in the movies? Share below in the comments!

Thank you Michael for my family across the world.

Posted in Life, Michael Jackson with tags , , , , , on September 29, 2014 by L.J

I was thinking the other day how incredibly lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Friends do a lot for one another, whether it’s lending a listening ear when troubled, laughing with your jokes or accepting your differences with grace and a wry smile of understanding. Thanks to the internet though there are one group of friends that I have that are unique. The reason being that we all have one thing in common that influences our lives. Actually this common interest is what brought us all together to begin with. It has always been said that Michael Jackson fans are a completely different breed of fan and I wholeheartedly believe it. How else can I account for the family that I have across the globe? My fellow sisters and brothers who understand what it is to give, to love more oh and how to do a mean moonwalk or sideglide!

Michael-Jackson

My journey online within the Michael Jackson community has been a long one, and though I believe it ended shortly before Michael would pass away, I guess in honesty it never really ends because of the long list of friends that kept in contact long after I left the physical website that connected us. Though life has changed many times since then these friends still remain in their different shades of interaction with me. It’s an interesting journey and has been met with laughter, heartache, miscommunication, connectedness and a combined love for the things that we’re passionate about.

I remember joining a chat site on a whim one day, and being stuck there for hours on dial up internet as I learnt so many things about Michael and read in fascination the intelligence of some of the people there. The text continued to scroll up as rapid fire jokes and quips flew from what was obviously a group of people who knew one another but they let me join in and the conversation laughed along. I was LJ_Aus. When I finally logged off to let someone use the house phone I laughed to myself “my god I’ve found people who get me!” I revisited this chat site numerous times making some friends, I remember a Brenda from Australia that helped me understand how the website worked. I remember a very funny guy called Chichi.

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Life changed though and I started going to higher ed and when I returned to the chat site it was gone. I remember feeling a sense of loss and annoyance at myself for not getting one of the “regulars” email addresses because surely they had moved somewhere? So I began searching until I found a new website that was supposedly official promoting the up and coming album “Invincible”. I felt like I was on to something, I continued to surf until I came across an online forum. I joined and learnt how to use discussion forums but there weren’t any familiar faces or usernames. I kept searching, “where did these people go?” I found another discussion forum. I questioned myself on whether I really wanted to join another one but did so anyway. This one was bigger, this one felt right. I kept scrolling through conversation and then I saw a name I recognised, and then another. I had stumbled upon Trish and Chichi! I had been gone a while and I’m sure they wouldn’t remember an LJ_Aus especially not now that I was just simply L.J but I was back with what felt like my people.

I made friends with another Aussie,Celeste and we laughed a lot. She knew a lot more about Mike than I did and she was very talented with graphic design. She was the first MJ fan I would meet in RL (real life). She visited in Melbourne for the Commonwealth Games and we met up. There’s something awesome about meeting up with someone who shares a common interest. We got along well and our friendship became that I would eventually visit her in Adelaide for a weekend where we talked, cooked food and she introduced me to another MJ fan that I knew only as the poetic one. Dimity is a lovely soft spoken woman who went on a bushwalk with us and we chatted about everything from Michael to life itself.

Michael Jackson

There were a couple of people on the forum who I chatted to quite a bit and I didn’t know it at the time but they would become very dear friends in the future. There was AmericanGuy, Helen_S, Boneidle and Chaos. Each of these people appeared so different that if you had of told me “these people will be the ones you talk with the most after it all” I would have asked “why?”. AmericanGuy was thoughtful and had a clear interest in films. Helen was the “Random Thoughts” poster who also appeared to enjoy horror movies. Boneidle didn’t post as much but it was clear that she had a good sense of humour and Chaos… well he was the wild child. He was constantly finding ways to stir and when he wasn’t doing that he was sharing in his love for film, music and martial arts. These people and I would later join AmericanGuy’s website where we remain today as good friends, we exchange gifts for Christmas and above everything else we provide a good ear for one another.

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There were others on the forum that I have kept in contact with or still have on my friendlist on Facebook or Twitter and for some of them it’s just to keep that line of connection there even if we don’t speak any more. Our lives have changed but they’re there and that’s enough for me. There’s Rhys, who offered to met with me at a vigil in Melbourne when Michael passed away, but I declined because I knew I couldn’t get there, but his offer was gratefully appreciated. There was Bongani and Layth, who loved the same style of music as me and they and Rhys would spend hours discussing music. There are some on my list who’s usernames I have forgotten over time, but they’re there for a reason. Little Catinca from Romania, Greg from England, who was lots of fun but sadly we both let politics get the better of us and that ruined our friendship. There’s a host of names such as: Joy, Crafty, Anette, Rebekah, Nicole, Moon, Suzette, Elena and Sanja. There is also Marni who has a lovely spirit and is kind.

There are others too that have always just been there such as Mechi from Germany, a wonderful soul with only kind words. Silhouette, known fondly as Sil. Malc, the guy with a gift for video editing who made incredible mashup films of Michael’s work. He fell in love with Celeste and she travelled to England to be with him, eventually the two of them would disappear from online, I miss them but I’m sure they’re happy (and I bet Celeste has the new iPhone 6 already). There was Magic, who is a delightful woman with her beautiful red hair and her eye for photography. Barbara “Bunz” who I met through another friend, who shares my love for animals, our mutual friend is Minnie. Minnie from Denmark and I used to laugh a lot. We shared our dreams for the future and I was fascinated by her adventures. Minnie fell in love and now she is a proud mumma and I’m proud for her as she ticks off a life goal. Another friend of theirs that I’ve come to appreciate is Dangerous Lee and her fierceness and her ability to write.

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Chichi, Sosodef and Ja were probably the funniest and most outrageous of all my online friends. Nothing was too sacred and everything was funny. I remember our conversations in a Paltalk chatroom and listening to Ja’s laugh even as she was trying to get out what she was trying to say. Her rapid fire comments coated in emotion and Chichi’s responses in the text below would make my whole morning. Trish would join in and a few others and it was just a good time for all.

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There is one other group of friends that I have online and I fondly refer to them in my head as “the sisterhood”. These girls have remained constant since we’ve come to know each other. I’ve only had the pleasure of meeting one of these girls to date, but I’m confidant that I’ll eventually meet all of them at least once in my lifetime. There’s Shelby, who shares my love and wonder for the outdoors. Destiny and her husband Sven, who I met in Washington and is just as lovely as I knew she would be. Marie in Norway who understands the taste of a Boost Juice, and why Fallout is amazing. Reinet, who is living everywhere in the world on her own and her courage for adventure amazes me. Daphne who shares my love for kickass running shoes and Natalia with her wonderful blue/green hair. We always talk about getting together on Skype but with our timezones covering every extreme zone imaginable it’s always a hard task.

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These people are in my life due to our common love and fascination with Michael Jackson. Whilst many people might laugh at the notion of being a fan and going online to join a fan related forum, I know my life is richer for having met these people, and the fact that so many of them are still in my life now is a testament to the fact that good friends can sometimes feel like family. You don’t always need to talk to one another to know you’re there for one another. There have been others that I made friends with throughout the years, and for some it was a case of not meant to be. For some of us the friendship failed when the politics of being a fan got in the way of being friends who liked the same thing. I always believed it to be a test and for some the test was too great, but for me the one thing that I wanted from my love for all things Michael Jackson, was to make friends who “got me”. So thank you Michael and thank you to my wonderful friends from all over the globe who “get me”.

I’m sorry…

Posted in Life on September 15, 2014 by L.J

So it’s come to this… I’m the sorry one. I’m the one apologising for everything because… well that’s just it isn’t it? I don’t even have a reason other than the fact that I am the sorry one. So let me tell you just how sorry I am.

I’m sorry that I’ve neglected this blog, but to be honest I can’t even keep up with my own life let alone a blog so I guess I’m sorry for that too.

I’m sorry that I can’t keep up with the pace of life and the expectations placed on me by others, and why am I letting others dictate my life? I really shouldn’t do that either so I guess I’m sorry for that too.

I’m sorry that I allow myself to feel inadequate compared to the demands that “society” place on me, hell I can’t even dress like a “woman” really should so I guess I’m sorry for that too.

I’m sorry that I don’t fit the norm of what a “woman” looks like, I should take more care, style my hair, wear make up and for god’s sake lose some weight… yeah the losing weight business hasn’t happened so I should apologise for that too.

I’m sorry that my body doesn’t always agree with my plans to exercise so that I can drop that dress size or too… but then again I don’t wear dresses… and I’m not apologising for that but I should at least eat healthier so I guess that should be where I apologise.

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I’m sorry that I don’t always eat well. I’m sorry that when I sit down with others for a meal that my meal isn’t as healthy as theirs. I’m sorry that when we’re all eating together that I interrupt conversations at the wrong time because I’m too deaf or dumb to get it just right to just smoothly join in.

I’m sorry when my jokes are bad or when my contribution to the conversation is awkward or lame. I’m sorry that I’m not articulate enough for some and too nerdy for others. I’m sorry that my laugh is too loud or more of a cackle or a hoot or a chortle than a laugh.

I’m sorry that I don’t have the answers that some people seek and the answers when they’re not sought for. I’m sorry that I ask too many questions or the same question too often. I’m also sorry that sometimes something happens and I can’t stop talking about it. I’m sorry that the way I process a situation or an event is different to how others might process information.

I’m sorry that I didn’t try hard enough at some things and too hard at other things. I’m sorry that I spent too much time with one and not the other. I’m sorry that I forget things that are important to other people and I’m also sorry that I forget things that are meant to be important to me too.

I’m sorry that I get too emotional about things that other people don’t care about and that I don’t show emotion about other things. I’m sorry when I can’t find the funny side of things, or for when I do and it offends others to do so. I’m sorry that I don’t share how I’m going in life, or ask how others are really going.

I’m sorry for all those times that I say sorry when I really shouldn’t be apologising but I do it anyway.

Most of all I’m sorry that I’m human and that I can’t change who I am and I’m sorry that can’t stop wanting to succeed where I’ve failed not matter how much it hurts or disappoints.

The only thing I’m not sorry for is this blog post. How else can I recognise my flaws other than to put them out there to reflect upon me?